Random Thoughts From A Bored Man
There has been a few things running through my mind over the last couple of days and if I don't let them out soon I think I'll explode. So please excuse the random thoughts bursting out here and there, I need to get them out of my head before I forget about them again.
I have stupid neighbors. Next door lives a guy with his mail-order bride and two or three kids who unfortunately suffer from some sort of hearing loss. I came to this conclusion shortly after I moved here when I was standing in our kitchen and could hear every word the people next door were saying. No, I didn't have any windows open and no, they weren't out in their front yard. They just sit on the front porch and yell at each other, regarding everything, and I've come to the conclusion that they can only speak in three different decibels. The first decibel is called Screaming Loud. This is used during such times as early morning conversations, late night chats under the stars, or on sunny weekends. The second decibel is called The Beeker Mimic. This is normally the first sign of a heated debate going on next door, the words keep getting faster and faster and the pitch in their voices gets higher and higher until it reaches a point that you have no idea what the hell they are saying anymore. This is where the third and final decibel comes into play. I call it The Poor Widdle Puppy. At this point these folks have engaged in such a heated argument only dogs can hear them scream at each other. Love thy neighbor? Yeah right.
To give you an idea on how redneck they are, check out this little story. I remember one day when I had to go down to the cellar, thus having to walk right past their front porch. I walked around the corner of the house and sure enough, there my neighbor was sitting on the porch. Dammit! I thought to myself. As I kept walking I saw my neighbor pull the cigarette from behind the ear and light it, followed by the final guzzle of beer from the can. Slowly, my neighbor looks at the can and with a quick blow, crushed it against that greasy balding forehead. What followed was a long loud belch that sounded like a grizzly bear yawning after six months of hibernation. What a disgusting sight that was to witness... and that was just the wife!.
I don't understand kids today. We have this kid that lives somewhere around our house and drives a small pickup truck. The other day it was raining out and I see him pull up to the street corner and pause before making a right hand turn. As he takes off from the intersection he puts the pedal to the metal and spins his tires for about 100 feet all the way up the street. Buddy, pal, you DO realize that it is raining out right? You DO realize that grandma and her 1977 station wagon can do the same thing right? What the hell is the purpose of doing that, especially late at night? At least do it during the day and on dry pavement so we can see a smoke show or something. You are proving nothing!! Man, if only stupidity was painful.
I was driving through town the other day and get stopped by a red light. Next to me pulls up this little Honda with a couple of young guys inside. They have all the fancy pinstripes, the rear spoiler, the shiny wheels, the car is lowered to the ground, and they have tinted windows. I never did understand the need to "supe up" a compact import car like that, don't people realize that sound and looks don't equal horsepower? Do those pinstrips make you go faster? How about the rear spoiler? You DO realize you drive a front wheel drive car right? All I can say to these guys after they spend thousands and thousands of dollars on their cars is this: Just remember, your engine still only has 1.6 liters, my Mountain dew has 2.
Has anybody seen that show called RENO-911!? It's a comedy that does a spoof of the original show "COPS". It's about this police force in Las Vegas that is full of misfits and really, some of the scenes just crack me up. There is one scene they use to advertise the program on TV and it shows one of the officers racing to a location that he thinks there is a robbery in progress. He storms into the parking lot and races towards the building, kicking the door down once he gets there. As soon as he kicks the door down he draws his gun out and the next thing you see is him blowing away a guy right in the stomach, just as the lights in the room turn on and all his fellow officers yell out, "SURPRi....s....e". Apparently his coworkers had arranged a surprise party for him and used a fake 911 call to get him to show up this location. Meanwhile though, everybody is staring at his buddy that he just blew away and landed on the table full of snacks...lol. I love slapstick crap like that. Good times.
I went to Home Depot the other day to pick up some parts to repair a shelving unit that collapsed in Julie's closet. I find the five or six items that I needed and went to go pay for them. The guy at the till puts these items in a plastic bag and then proceeds to struggle to try and seal it, for whatever reason I don't know. So he holds onto the handles of the bag and gives it a good twist and then uses a long piece of Home Depot tape to wrap around the twisted part of the bag. Once the bag was sealed he presses the left over tape good and tight and then hands me the bag. I give him my money and then the little evil Brian showed up on my shoulder.... I laughed to myself at what I was about to do. The guy hands me my change and receipt, at which time I take the change and ask him if he could put the receipt in the bag...lol. Sure no problem he says. I was actually stunned to stand there and watch as he tried to put his hand into the bag before realizing he had already taped it shut. I'm such a cruel bastard but damn, I was having a good time. He concentrated so hard as he tried to find the end of the tape and peel it away from itself. Finally, after realizing it just wasn't worth it he tore a whole in the bag and shoved the receipt inside. Man, if only stupidity was painful.
I just remember a good quote I once heard Jerry Seinfeld say. While sitting at a restaurant the guy at the next table says, "Do you mind if I smoke?" and Jerry replies without any hesitation, "No not at all, mind if I fart?". Classic.
My lucky 8 ball keeps lying to me, or else I broke it. I think I screwed it up when I dropped it on the floor and the glass window broke away. I tried putting it back together and filling it with kool-aid but it's just not the same. Now whenever I ask it a question and shake it up it keeps giving me the same answer.
"Oh Yeah!"
I'm not sure if my 8 ball turned into an optimist or is experiencing a sugar high. All I know is that if my Powerball numbers don't come through soon I'm putting that piece of shit on ebay.
Well I guess that's it for now. Until next time, take care of yourself.
I have stupid neighbors. Next door lives a guy with his mail-order bride and two or three kids who unfortunately suffer from some sort of hearing loss. I came to this conclusion shortly after I moved here when I was standing in our kitchen and could hear every word the people next door were saying. No, I didn't have any windows open and no, they weren't out in their front yard. They just sit on the front porch and yell at each other, regarding everything, and I've come to the conclusion that they can only speak in three different decibels. The first decibel is called Screaming Loud. This is used during such times as early morning conversations, late night chats under the stars, or on sunny weekends. The second decibel is called The Beeker Mimic. This is normally the first sign of a heated debate going on next door, the words keep getting faster and faster and the pitch in their voices gets higher and higher until it reaches a point that you have no idea what the hell they are saying anymore. This is where the third and final decibel comes into play. I call it The Poor Widdle Puppy. At this point these folks have engaged in such a heated argument only dogs can hear them scream at each other. Love thy neighbor? Yeah right.
To give you an idea on how redneck they are, check out this little story. I remember one day when I had to go down to the cellar, thus having to walk right past their front porch. I walked around the corner of the house and sure enough, there my neighbor was sitting on the porch. Dammit! I thought to myself. As I kept walking I saw my neighbor pull the cigarette from behind the ear and light it, followed by the final guzzle of beer from the can. Slowly, my neighbor looks at the can and with a quick blow, crushed it against that greasy balding forehead. What followed was a long loud belch that sounded like a grizzly bear yawning after six months of hibernation. What a disgusting sight that was to witness... and that was just the wife!.
I don't understand kids today. We have this kid that lives somewhere around our house and drives a small pickup truck. The other day it was raining out and I see him pull up to the street corner and pause before making a right hand turn. As he takes off from the intersection he puts the pedal to the metal and spins his tires for about 100 feet all the way up the street. Buddy, pal, you DO realize that it is raining out right? You DO realize that grandma and her 1977 station wagon can do the same thing right? What the hell is the purpose of doing that, especially late at night? At least do it during the day and on dry pavement so we can see a smoke show or something. You are proving nothing!! Man, if only stupidity was painful.
I was driving through town the other day and get stopped by a red light. Next to me pulls up this little Honda with a couple of young guys inside. They have all the fancy pinstripes, the rear spoiler, the shiny wheels, the car is lowered to the ground, and they have tinted windows. I never did understand the need to "supe up" a compact import car like that, don't people realize that sound and looks don't equal horsepower? Do those pinstrips make you go faster? How about the rear spoiler? You DO realize you drive a front wheel drive car right? All I can say to these guys after they spend thousands and thousands of dollars on their cars is this: Just remember, your engine still only has 1.6 liters, my Mountain dew has 2.
Has anybody seen that show called RENO-911!? It's a comedy that does a spoof of the original show "COPS". It's about this police force in Las Vegas that is full of misfits and really, some of the scenes just crack me up. There is one scene they use to advertise the program on TV and it shows one of the officers racing to a location that he thinks there is a robbery in progress. He storms into the parking lot and races towards the building, kicking the door down once he gets there. As soon as he kicks the door down he draws his gun out and the next thing you see is him blowing away a guy right in the stomach, just as the lights in the room turn on and all his fellow officers yell out, "SURPRi....s....e". Apparently his coworkers had arranged a surprise party for him and used a fake 911 call to get him to show up this location. Meanwhile though, everybody is staring at his buddy that he just blew away and landed on the table full of snacks...lol. I love slapstick crap like that. Good times.
I went to Home Depot the other day to pick up some parts to repair a shelving unit that collapsed in Julie's closet. I find the five or six items that I needed and went to go pay for them. The guy at the till puts these items in a plastic bag and then proceeds to struggle to try and seal it, for whatever reason I don't know. So he holds onto the handles of the bag and gives it a good twist and then uses a long piece of Home Depot tape to wrap around the twisted part of the bag. Once the bag was sealed he presses the left over tape good and tight and then hands me the bag. I give him my money and then the little evil Brian showed up on my shoulder.... I laughed to myself at what I was about to do. The guy hands me my change and receipt, at which time I take the change and ask him if he could put the receipt in the bag...lol. Sure no problem he says. I was actually stunned to stand there and watch as he tried to put his hand into the bag before realizing he had already taped it shut. I'm such a cruel bastard but damn, I was having a good time. He concentrated so hard as he tried to find the end of the tape and peel it away from itself. Finally, after realizing it just wasn't worth it he tore a whole in the bag and shoved the receipt inside. Man, if only stupidity was painful.
I just remember a good quote I once heard Jerry Seinfeld say. While sitting at a restaurant the guy at the next table says, "Do you mind if I smoke?" and Jerry replies without any hesitation, "No not at all, mind if I fart?". Classic.
My lucky 8 ball keeps lying to me, or else I broke it. I think I screwed it up when I dropped it on the floor and the glass window broke away. I tried putting it back together and filling it with kool-aid but it's just not the same. Now whenever I ask it a question and shake it up it keeps giving me the same answer.
"Oh Yeah!"
I'm not sure if my 8 ball turned into an optimist or is experiencing a sugar high. All I know is that if my Powerball numbers don't come through soon I'm putting that piece of shit on ebay.
Well I guess that's it for now. Until next time, take care of yourself.
