Love Thy neighbor.... Beeeatch

There is a town called Farmington that is about 20 minutes from where Julie and I live and it is known for being a high scale area with lots of rich people. They have their huge houses, fancy cars, manicured lawns, and rumor has it that some people even get HBO!

I can only imagine what those people living in that area thought recently when they saw all the moving trucks pull in next door to unload their newest neighbor. Apparently, superstar rapper and hiphop artist "50 Cent" recently bought a house formally owned by superfreak Michael Jackson. The people in the area were probably thrilled to hear that Michael Jackson was gone and then shit themselves to find out that a guy who portrays a thug life is moving in.

When I first moved down to the States, which was not too long after Julie moved to this current location, I found a whole bunch of crap in our storage area left behind from the previous tenants. Huge boxes from new appliances, bags of garbage, containers of used oil, and left over vinyl siding from when they covered the house. Can you imagine the weird shit that "50 Cent" could have possibly found in that house with Michael Jackson as the former tenant??

*shudder*

Killing Me Softly..... With Her Words

I was reminded of something that happened to me as Julie and I were driving towards Pennsylvania for our honeymoon. We had decided on taking a scenic route through the country side and just enjoy the three to four drive we had ahead of us. Along the way I realized that I had forgotten to pick up some Powerball tickets before we left the state and also, I needed to go pee real bad.

We eventually came across this gas station that also had a deli inside and quite a large store. Julie pulled up and parked right in front of the door and I went in alone to do my deeds. After my pitstop was complete I headed for the front door when I noticed these two tough looking biker dudes pulling up on their Harley's. For some reason, I felt it was necessary to try and be on the same level as them so I threw back my shoulders, stuck out my chest, sucked in my gut, and proceeded to strut out of the store.

"How's it going guys?", I asked in a deep manly voice.
"Good" replied one guy and the other just gave me a nod.

So I continued to strut past their bikes, opened the passenger door of the P/T Cruiser, climbed in and slouched back into the seat trying to be cool. That's when Julie looked over at me with her eyes wide open and asked...

"Honey, did you go potty???"

*sigh* You're killing me dear...... you're killing me.

Hot Apple Forgiveness

In the world of business, especially in the service industry, it is very important to always keep the customer happy. Keeping this in mind I still find it odd what happens to me at McDonald's whenever they make a mistake.

I first noticed McDonald's "currency of apologies" back home in Canada. Their attempt to ease the pain of having to drive back to the restaurant and kick a little ass is to offer up one of their apple pies. First of all, I don't even like apple pies and second, they sell these pies at 2 for $1. Once I figure out that my inconvenience is only worth 50 cents to a multi-billion dollar company I just get infuriated even more.

When we come in and work overtime on Saturdays the boss will send one of us out to get breakfast, his treat. I'm usually the one who ends up going because I'm lucky enough to have a vehicle that hasn't been repossessed, a license that hasn't been taken away due to a DUI, and valid car insurance.

Anyway, for three weekends in a row I specifically asked for a receipt and never got one. The fourth weekend that I went to McDonald's I asked to see the manager and told her of my situation and to my surprise..... she gave me two apple pies to make up for the fact that my boss can't deduct the last three meals he bought there adding up to about $100. Ugh.

It seems no matter what the customer complaint is the first they reach for is the hot apple pie. This type of thing should be carried over to the rest of world so we can live in peace and harmony. Imagine cutting some guy off on the highway and in a fit of rage he is about to start practicing for the home run derby on the back of your head with a four pronged tire iron. "Wait, wait waaaaaaaiiiit a minute man!!! I'm sorry! Here, have some apple pie".

Would the American classic be able to sooth over any situation?

"Honey I have a confession to make. I've been sleeping with my secretary while working late at work.......... but I brought you some pie"
"WHAT?? You low down dirty son-of-a.... DAMN that smells good!!!"

The grocery stores would have to open up a brand new cashier lines just for this purpose alone. So on top of the regular lines, the "cash only" lines, and the "express 10 items or less" line... you'd now find the "What the hell were you thinking??" line. I'm sure it would be mostly used by men trying to get back on the good side of their wives or girlfriends, standing in line with bags full of apples and packages of Betty Crocker Instant Pie Crusts. They'd talk to each other like they were prison mates too. "What are in for?"
"Forgot our anniversary...... you?"
"Fell asleep during her mother's funeral"

"Ouch, better pick up a can of whip cream too"