Merry Christmas!

Wow, I think I have actually pulled it off.... I think I might actually make it all the way to Christmas this year without losing my job!! :)

2004 seems to be ending on a slightly better note than 2003 did. Not only am I still employed but I'm also invited to the company Christmas party... that's got to be a good sign...lol.

I have finished my first evening course in metalwork and have just received my confirmation for the next course I want to take in January. It's a 4 day course down in New Jersey so I'll have to spend a week living out of a hotel.... which I was able to find for only $52 a night! *note to self, pack lots of bug spray!* $52 a night doesn't get you much these days. I'm actually going to be sleeping in an old linen closet and will be provided with an air mattress, which for an extra $2 I can get the asthmatic puerto rican deskclerk to blow it up for me. El Senior Wheezy needs two weeks notice before my arrival to make sure he inflates in time. The room does however come with 14 deadbolts already installed on the door and the option of spending a few hours in the basement making oriental rugs to help defer the cost of your stay. This should be fun.

Anyway, I hope everybody has a wonderful holiday season and a very successful 2005. Thanks for keeping in touch.

My Best Man, The Pinata Beater

This is something I've been wanting to write about for a long time but was always hesitant to start because I know I'll go on forever...lol.

Every now and then you meet a person that you seem to just instantly click with and eventually consider them friends. I also believe that once in a lifetime you meet someone who is so extraordinary that you one day realize that this person is going to be your friend for life. This is my story about my friend Monty.

It seems to be a common feeling among those who have had the luxury of meeting Monty that the first thing they think about is, "Man, that Monty is such a good guy.... and yet, he's such an asshole." There are times when I've met up with him and I didn't know whether to shake his hand or punch him in the face..... either one would have felt right. In all honesty that is the best way to describe him and it compliments him truthfully. You'd have to know him to understand. :)

I first met Monty two days after I started my job at Images Furniture. I was hired on a Wednesday and they brought Monty in on the following Friday. Man, they must have been desperate. :) The "powers that be" assigned us both to the packing department and within hours of his first shift I found myself sitting across from him at a table made up of cardboard boxes counting screws and putting them in a bag. Yes, we were hired for our endless amount of skills. It didn't take long to find out we had a common interest in hockey (then again we are Canadians) but unfortunately we cheered for opposite sides of an archrivalry. It must have taken a good 20 minutes of meeting each other before talks ended up with, "You have no idea what the hell you're talking about"
"Oh just shut up already"
"You're pretty tough when you're on that side of the table"
"I can easily reach across and slap that ugly mug if you want"
"Nothing but air and opportunity between us right now asshole!!"
This is around the time that Paul, the packing supervisor, had to come over and settle us down.

In the early days Monty seemed to be in his element when he was pissing people off... or just stirring up shit. I have to admit, this is what probably solidified our friendship because we'd terrorize the whole shop and bust a gut laughing about it. In one instance when Paul was trying to explain to us what he wanted done next, there seemed to be some miscommunication which frustrated him. "Jesus Christ Monty speak the language will ya??", said Paul (who by the way was a Native Indian)
"I'm tryin' dammit but I don't understand Chuk-a-luk, chuk, chuk, luk!"
I remember crying I was laughing so hard. From that point on Monty kept calling him Pocahontas.

Monty was always teaching us these stupid phrases that none of us knew what they meant. "Fill yer boots!". This was Monty's answer to any question you had for him that he didn't feel like answering. "Hey Monty, can I go for break?"
"Fill yer boots!"
"I don't feel like working today, I'm just gonna sit here and do nothing"
"Fill yer boots!"

At one time I got my friend Brad a job at Images as well. Brad at the time had moved out and was now living with his childhood friend Andrea in a basement apartment. One day she decided to stop by the shop to ask Brad a question and after she left, you could tell all the guys were dying to ask if they were sleeping together..... you know how guys are :) So there was this awkward silence for a couple seconds until faithfully, Monty stepped up to the plate. "So Brad, are you bruising her cabbage yet?". We all started laughing our asses off because we knew what he was asking.... sort of.... and yet had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

On another occasion Monty was working down at the other end of the shop when all of a sudden you hear this ear piercing screech. Shortly after that we saw him sprinting by us with a fist full of asscheek in each hand as he headed for the restroom. We all look at each other wondering what the hell all that was about. After a few moments of moaning and groaning he comes out of the restroom with a big goofy grin on his face claiming, "Goddamn! I almost didn't make it! The turtles head was already poking out!"

Monty is also famous for his farts (man, this story is going in the wrong direction eh?) that could peel the paint off a wall. One day I was walking in to start my afternoon shift and I see the entire packing crew wearing their respirators and masks. Everyone except Monty of course, who once again is just sitting there giggling with a dumbass smirk on his face.

A typical Monty moment would occur almost daily in the lunchroom. He'd sit there and eat his lunch and just listen to other guys telling stories about what they did on their weekend.... and then he'd butt in.
"Yeah so we went down to this club and--"
"No you didn't....liar!"
"Uhm yeah. So anyways, there was this hot chick--"
"Bullshit! I call bullshit!"
"Monty shut the hell up man before I kick your ass"
"Fill yer boots!!"
"*sigh* So anyway, my friends and I went --"
"F#$@ing liar! You ain't got no friends!!"

This of course would be followed up by the "HA! HA!" Nelson type laugh off of The Simpsons.

For some reason I ended up sharing a locker with this clown because although he was a pain in the ass I felt I could trust him. One day as I came in on afternoon shift I saw Monty and the entire packing crew sitting down and eating cookies. When I asked him what this was all about he told me that his oldest daughter (only daughter at the time) was having a fund raiser to help fund a new playground at her school. So I told him that of course, I'd buy a couple boxes as well. Monty told me that I had already bought two boxes with the money I left in the locker and that he put my cookies on the top shelf....lol. I just laughed and went to the locker room shaking my head. When I got to the locker I noticed there was only one box of cookies there so I went back to give Monty shit. As I was approaching him and his crew.... still munching away..... Monty says to me, "Oh by the way, the guys appreciated you buying them all cookies" and they all bust out laughing at me. :(

Working in a factory full of guys things can get crude, rude, and socially unacceptable. One day we were all talking about ethnic backgrounds and some how word got out that Monty was part Mexican. I of course instantly started calling him "The Pinata Beater". I honestly have no idea if there is an ounce of Mexican in him but it's pointless now, he'll always be known as the Pinata Beater to me. In fact, one Christmas I gave him a pinata as a present...lol. Monty, not to be outdone, found out I was half Ukrainian and started to refer me as a "Perogy eatin' motherf---er". Classic.

Man, I could go on forever about this guy and his antics but for all the grief that he put everybody through he is very honest and trustworthy. Whenever somebody ever needs help he'll be there for you (perhaps because he has a guilty conscience lol).

This leads me to the time that Julie first met Monty when she came to Canada for Christmas of 2002. I was actually nervous that Monty would verbally tear her apart limb from limb and get her all pissed off, but then the strangest thing happened. Julie and I met up with Monty and his wife Andrea for dinner one night and I thought to myself, if Julie still wants anything to do with me after this it'll be a miracle....lol. What blew me away was this gentleman full of polite manners who looked exactly like Monty showed up for dinner and impressed the hell out of Julie. I was wondering who IS this guy and what has he done with Monty?? :) Not one sarcastic joke? Not one comment about "those stupid Americans"? Nothing about her being "hick" from a small town? Nothing! Nada!

"I like him! I think he's pretty cool!", says Julie on the way home. Yeah, *sigh*... he's a good guy. :)

Moving forward to the wedding date in October of 2003 and to my huge surprise, Monty had agreed to make the trip to Connecticut to be part of the wedding. I was totally blown away that he would make such an effort and of course, he was my best man. He had just started a new job recently so he couldn't miss much time. He actually flew in late on the Thursday, and had to leave right after the wedding on the Saturday which also included him driving all the way to Boston airport to catch his flight. As we were talking about his speech he was going to make at the wedding he was telling me that all the stories he had in mind nobody would get because they all involved incidents back home. Then the Monty I grew to love finally came through. He said something along the lines (in reference to smalltown, U.S.A.), "As if what I say is going to matter ..... all of Julie's family will be too busy chewing on each other's tongues anyway". Oh man, not now. Don't bring back the old Monty now! This is not good timing!!

But as it turned out, Monty gave a speech that brought the crowd of almost a hundred people to tears. Even to this day, whenever Julie and I meet up with her extended family they always ask me, "So how is Monty doing? He's such a nice guy!"

Yeah, although he may be an asshole..... he's one hell of a nice guy.

Hang The Bastard!!

I arrived home the other day and noticed that I had a piece of mail waiting for me that was sent from the government. Oh shit.

Well it wasn't bad news at all, in fact it was an order to appear for jury duty. I don't understand how I can live in Canada for over 27 years and never hear from the court system yet after only one year in the States I get called for jury duty. I instantly pictured myself showing up at the jury selection and screaming out, "Hang The Bastard!" just to try and get out of having to do it..... but then Julie pointed out that my employer has to pay my full wages while I do my jury duty. Really? This whole process is new to me so I had no idea I would still get paid while sending some sucker to the chair..... cool! (Do those things come with dimmer switches??) Now I really wanted to do serve my adopted country and do my civic duty. I wanted to sit in the jury box while chanting out "Na, Na, Na, Na, Hey, Hey, Heyyyyyyyy Goodbye!!" or perhaps sell my vote to the defendants lawyer for a few thousand dollars.... and a new Dodge Magnum! (Man, they are sweet!).

But, as always my plans failed once again. On the sheet they list a whole crap load of reasons why you might want to turn down jury duty or reasons why you might not be eligible. I fell under the section of "I'm not a U.S. citizen therefore nobody gives a rats ass what my opinion is".

This sucks.

I Just Lived Through My First Tornado

Julie had made plans for a trip to New York city with some of her family , which meant they all spent the night here last night. I didn't feel like going on this trip so I just remained in bed this morning and stayed out of the way.

Five women all trying to get ready to leave before 8:00AM and with only one bathroom and shower in the house. The noise was a thunderous rumble for a good hour and half, and you could feel the panic in the air. Things were being dropped, people were getting in each others way, there was banging, thumping and the cries of "you're not going to wear THAT are you??" could be heard throughout the storm. For some reason I dared to peek out from under my covers just as a huge bright flash appeared right above my head, "Sorry Bubba, I gotta put my makeup on in here!" I once again cower into the safety of my bed.

Then, just as quickly as it all started it ended with an abrupt slam of the front door. My eyes grew larger as I strained to hear any signs of this massive beast lingering around me. There was a strange calmness, and the erie silence of the aftermath was very unsettling. I was still hiding under the covers unsure if it was safe to venture out yet. Slowly I emerged from my bunker only to witness the destruction cause by this awesome natural phenomenon. I then realize that things.... as we once knew them.... would never be the same.